You light a cigarette, a flame surfaces against the tip, your red lighter, its all chipped. Half empty your killing me. Your eyes are sure, your only tired.  I always understood, that a fire needs to be fueled. You just lose it. You feel lost without it.

The cigarette now, it use to rest on your lips.
Its just ash now, and spent.

I spent some time.
Stop it.

I fall to ground, searching to find the spent ashes. You watch with the taste of tobacco still lingering on your tongue, I feel you inside of me. I know how a fire burns.
The ashes travel from the ground now, they rest in my hands.

Kiss of a cigarette
Im missing
Its missing
the scent of being in use
you stare at me

I’m sure you already know.

I stand silent, holding a cigarette from your pack. I sandwich it between my lips. I take your lighter, you tighten your grip. The lighter is not in my grip. You lose it. You feel lost without it.

An ash kisses the edge of your cigarette,
I touch the tip of your cigarette.
Ash fall to ground,
With my touch,
The cigarette is lost to ground.

You grab another from the pack. Number six. Just speak the words  you use the cigarette to bury. You spent last night with a lighter, and a solid heart just confused. I spent last night loving you.

I do not want to confuse you, cigarette fall down.
I only want you, not the cigarette.

We’re breaking apart.

You smoke the world’s worry, another flame surfaces between the tip. Your red lighter, its all with time you’ll eventually quit. If not, I’l start.  A touch lives. Your strong hands entangle my fingers. I touch the edge of your cigarette. Stop that you said.

I want control but the cigarette is white lined yellow with straight lines. Im color blind in love.

I’l always be standing back, I hold your pack of cigarettes. You, with another cigarette now.

Your burning a fire, too hard to control. When your out of them,
If you want to light a fire, and the sensation of red is between your lips,
Why don’t you stop and hold something else
Light my fire instead.
My heart

Spread the ashes
All over my chest
I promise to start a fire
I’ll make it dark red.

I’ll be your cigarette.

Your a beautiful memory,

so I cried last night.

I think I’m bleeding from the inside out. Its really hurting, from the inside. You have no idea, how much it hurts. How deep it all goes. It dies. I died. I feel dead. I’m colored in red. The color is red, and I hate it. The sensation screams pain, and I dread it.

I want you to know, that each bruise indented a memory of a past mistake. I felt my heart skip beats, and my smiles shallowed. Each blue mark against my skin, my dry eyes, my swollen lips, I want you to have my heart. I remember feeling delicate. I wish life was simple, and the puzzles fit. I want to smile again. I want to find a reason to smile again. Take my heart, I don’t feel the beautiful things anymore.

I’m cold inside. I’m hurting. It’s like there’s a poster sign attached to my body. Step over me. Please abuse, then discard. I’m human and the words you used, the words you spelled, the words you wrote all over my body with permanent ink – it wont ever get erased. I’m losing enough blood, I never wanted more pain.

Why do you give me more, when I never asked.

Can you please understand. I want nothing more than the necessary.  I want to find hopeful answers in a bowl of crunchy cereal. I want you to remember how I looked when I poured you a glass of milk, and my tears rained onto your spoon. You once said, my reflection is beautiful and my heart is rare. I can’t feel the heartbeats anymore. I’m lost and I wanted so much.

But I want to be a little girl now. I want to be innocent to the ways of this world.

On the kitchen floor, kneeling over the spilled milk, and the I have only one word to tell you It will all go away one day.

Be patient.

An old man’s sleeping on that brown bench over there,
And the black coffee in my hand is growing cold.

I hate the smell of coffee.
I hate this heat.

I haven’t been quite the same anymore.
I haven’t been who I was anymore.
Does it matter anymore?

I’m going to go for a walk.
I’m going to go for a long walk.

I remain on the sidewalk,
Breathless and searching.

I stared at you,
I blinked.

My eyes felt foggy
And the rain
It started to pour on us.
Again.

You drank your coffee.
And I watched you in silence.

You can paint me.
You can chalk the words onto my skin.
You can talk.
You can forget.
You can wait.
You can do what you want.

But I’m hurting insde.
I’m as cold as the coffee.

You can close my eyes,
I will lie very still.

I keep seeing you in the nights,
I keep seeing you and I get very cold,
I see you when everything grows silent

I see you.
And then I lie very still.

This hurts too much.
I want to sit beside the old man on that bench,
I want his story to pain my hardship,
Its always falls apart
When you find security,

I don’t know how this goes
I don’t know if the hurt can go
I just know that the coffee is old

I want to close my eyes
And lie very still

I want to go

Please break the silence,
I want to smile again.

From this reflection of glass I watched your cheeks turn plum red. I could realize that our eyes didn’t blink but once. So I watched as the smiles danced around your eyes. And my heart told you; it’s only a little time before our hearts completely stop.

Stop. Look away. This is pure torment. Your sensual I’m passionate. You start to desire, and I start to visualize how I’m going to set you ablaze. This is guilt. It’s painful guilt. I want your lips. I want them to travel everywhere. I want a meltdown. I want this fire to start, to burn strong, to burn dark. The temperature rises to hot. Lets stop. Stop watching each other before we get burned.

I watch you closely;

I’ve realized that I’m missing you more.

Even though,

I’m seeing you a lot more.

***

A part of me I lost completely.
A part of me I lost within you.
A part of me I found spoiled.
A part of me I do not want to be without you.

I do not understand the meaning of forever,
And I do not know the meaning of old.
I always want to ask you, why were you never blue enough?
Why, when I want to hold you ..
Why, when I want to hold on tight ..
You let go briskly ..
When I find myself,
Complete in your arms.

I can not stop wanting,
To let go within you
To let life become you
To let myself love you.

You burn my fire, as you touch my tan skin
You stare into my dark eyes, as you plant deep kisses into my surface,
The sensations draw a wave,
From a cold ocean,
The waves are all we have
And I drown this time.

Complete and lost
Complete and gone.

I want to understand, why the skies with you,
At night time, are never cold enough,
Your hands are sage and dark,
And your eyes are completely lost.

I want to hold you,
I want to hold on,
To you,
To a frame of a picture,
When the picture is completely torn.
I want to tear myself apart,
Within you,
Lost
And your eyes always realize
That my eyes are never cold,
Their loving, and willing, and passion filled.

I love with my heart.

The tears that will fall,
Traveled a distance from the desert,
To touch the petals of a dry rose,
Kiss the lips of a homeless beggar,
Graze the hands of an innocent prisoner.

My tears are yours forever.
I will miss you when you go,

I will miss you when i go.
My heart will keep ..
Keep loving ..
Keep touching ..
Keep missing ..
A heart that was always white.

I will treasure ..
The moments ..
The hours ..
The minutes ..
As ever,
As long

If they last.

I want & I love.

Would you keep me in your heart?
From the distance?

Would you come,

I always did love you, from the start.

i wish good would last .. i wish the sun sets and the moon rises. i wish wishes stayed true and hearts never broke .. i wish good things never end .. i wish black could color every color .. i wish i was grey .. i would last that way .. the world will always keep spinning as your coming and im going .. i dont know where i’m going with this .. only that some wishes come true .. and some wishes never do ..

I’m certain I know how this will all end … its in a dream – let’s start from the end.

You picture this … your on a set of swings, your pushing against the wind. The wind pushes you back. You move your body against a force. You push yourself. The wind tries to pull  you back. You hang on tight – your flying along with the wind. You feel so different. And yet, it doesn’t feel so different.

I’m certain I know how this will all end … its in a dream – let’s call it indifference.

If you swing yourself on this rusty old swing – the metal bars will break. I wish I could tell you – that before you sat here, and decided to push against yourself, to try and fly .. that it will all come to an end. The swinging will come to a halt. The smile you painted across your face – that will soon chip off. The paint doesn’t last. The wind doesn’t always help. You picture this, I am on the swing. You push me, and I’m soaring towards the sky. My smile is transparent, and my heart is made of metal. It’s all so rusty – I don’t want to break.

A swing set .. this was so innocent.

This dream you had,  I told you .. I always told you .. keep your dreams to yourself.

I wish I felt the wind brush my eyes, and kiss my lips.

I wish, that good dreams never end.

But …

Lets start, and talk it out. Lets talk.
You start. I’ll remain silent.
Go ahead …

Breathe in …
Breathe out …

The least … you can do … is
open your heart …
Ask about me .. that is the least.
What’s between us .. is more than asking.
Its more than imagining .. its more than living.
Its more  .. you should be asking.

Every heart -  needs a moment – of stopping
Skipping – our hearts beating – Stopping.

Breathing lost …
Breathing again …
Breathing out …

The least … you can do
I’ll tell you … is that … you … should …
Find out if I’m dead from living in life.
Why don’t you live in my heart for just a while.
Just a while .. I wont tell.
I’ll keep you warm .. right inside,
I’ll let you into .. my white heart.
I’ll keep you inside.
I’ll keep our secret
For a life time.
For a long while.
For ever … even if I have to lie.

I’ll stay silent.
I’ll be quiet.

Do you know that what’s between us ..
Is bigger than loneliness ..
It’s darker than a black night ..
It’s a stolen heart .. A broken chain
A miserable look .. It’s the truth.
It’s our truth ….

A
true
feeling
inside.

Your heart only goes through it twice.

I’l stop.
I’l go.
I’l do as much as you ask for.

Do you know
That what’s between us
Is just between us
Is just between a word
Is just between a letter
Is just between a period
Is just between more than expecting

It all will hurt ..
And its worth the hurt ..

You and silence ..
You and I staying quiet ..

The story really just is …
That life is just a simple moment from living and aging
Its very simple and it will end so quick
I’l wrinkle your eyes ..
I’l kiss your lips ..
All you have to do ..
Is just live in my heart ..
For a moment..
I’l keep you inside ..
I’l let you watch me die
I’l touch your heart
I’l ask to live
I’l always ask
I’l always be asking

I‘l always start
What’s between us
Is so much more

Im wrinkled at twenty
Im died inside
But I really am living
And its all….
Because of you.

You bring me to life.

Don’t go away so soon.

You have it all put together.
Your lips are red,
Your eyes are black,
And your heart is snow white.

You touch a color,
It only burns
It doesn’t hurt –
The hurting never shows.

It doesn’t mean a thing –
If you have it put together,
You break …

Untangle the string,
Touch the threads,
My lips are red.
My eyes are black.

I use to have a heart –
It was snow white.

I’m blind to seeing colors,
Blackened glances,
Broken glass

A taste of a lime
It’s always bitter when it’s young.

Eyes so tired
Lips so dry
Hearts die

Charcoal on my fingers
Charcoal on your lips
Charcoal stinging my fingertips

A stained heart
Never gives.

You have it all put together
You have it all
I put you together

But you unashamedly say,
Its not together
If I keep falling apart everyday.

tara magdr 3alik

magdr a’gol
magdr ash’kii
madre min wain wed’ik ab’tedi

ma ge’dar ...
ma ge’dar 7al 7eber …
ma ge’dar yo9ef lil warag …
7al sho3or ma’yen wa’sif

fe da’5elaa nar..
tadri

tadri e7′taarag ..

tadri 3anaa ..
tadri wedaa ..

gaal …
weda ye’gool …

a’bd thee den’yah ma te’swa …

ma lik ela galb ..
galb a’5er ma’9era yenjer7
ma lik ela 3eyoon
3eyoon a’5rat’7a tenzif demoo3

ma 3endi shak ..
ma 3endi sha’kawee ..
7al 7e’ber
7al wa’rag
a’bd
ma ra7 tek’fii
lajel awsuef lik .. madaa a7′zani

tadri ma ge’dar
ma ag’dar
bil’ laah

yekfii
men wayen wedik ab’tedii

The feeling called without a feeling. It is a feeling of indifference, your mindlessly numb, all you really want is to close your eyes shut and wish expectantly, you’re search for an ending.

The feeling of without a feeling. It really is indescribable. You wake up, and all you want to do is go back to sleeping. Yes, your still breathing. Yes, your heart is still beating. Yes, you have everything and yet, you still want. You still need from those wants. And whats there to living, in a feeling, of sensitivity and your body is numb.

The feeling of a feeling. A part of your body is in actual pain, and you say this is not your timing. This is just insane. I expected a feeling, and my eyes are forced shut, my body feels heavy, and you tumble me in a cycle of restless sleep.

I want a feeling.

I want.

And its always a feeling.

you let go
and that’s life.
one day you’ll realize
its much more beautiful,
when everything isn’t
falling into place.
when you let go,
you begin to feel
you can escape

if you let go
your living
for me
and
its
really so
beautiful

when it all isn’t in place
and when you don’t know
what’s left what’s right
all you should know
is knowing at times
is irrelevant

just let go
live life

You are not an illusion put aside. I can actually see right through you.
You are not you. And I begin to crumple the paper;
Our crumpled hearts become indented.

They are black,
They are itched and dashed,
The hearts do not last.

You were once held.
You were once loved.

You. I draw the tracings of a ghost.
You. I draw the contours of silence edging the shape of lips,
And I touch the ink to my lips and begin to taste it.
The ink begins to flow as my tongue wets the ink.

This tongue of mine is now colored black
And you say, You said,
A heart is always ebony black.

My hair is black,
My lashes are long.
My heart is dark,
My cheeks are bones.
And the surface to my heart
Is hard, as hard as a rock.

You do not disappear.
You always come back.
You. You appear in a frame of a picture.
You. You continue to stare at a fixture.

As I draw our distance between a dream and fiction.
I have to tell you, I see right through you.
A heart of ebony black,
It is never as dark as ebony black.

Indented in our hearts is glass,
Do not pull it out.
Ebony black is not so bad.

I am not as before,
Everything in me has changed.
I am not the person you know,
The times have changed who I am,
I really was a person
Now I am a past.

Kil shy feni te’7a’wal
Im not the person you know
Il ze’man gha’yer o 7a’wal
And you no longer mind.

You are no longer on mind,
After you,
Its all more than enough.

Do not come asking,
Do not come wondering.
I have had enough of it all.
Seal your lips

Do not ask and wonder…

I am not anymore.
I am not a person you know,
I am not a person
I am a past,

When you go away

i will have no one.

What comes in a lifetime,
Only comes just once.
If the comings begin to hurt,
Then I promise,
To heal your restless heart.

A thousand condolences,
to the part you buried.
It still, is  hurting.

And, those thousand letters,
of intimate words,
that formed an echoing silence,
they were useless.

I gave you,
I gave
all of my hurt,
to you,
but it continues to hurt.

It is all in a lifetime,
And, it all,
just comes around,
just once.