I am defeat. The coffee is French. I told him in German. I feel red. Sensual eyes are giving. I amuse you in moments. Unforgettable. Maybe, you know the feeling. I have a feeling, light your cigarette. Smoke it. I will watch. Flames. Gently, start the fire.

Ashes.

I whispered softly, defeat me. I need. He listened. The sky outside is vulnerable, and the coffee is cold. You have a heart. Mine. Delicate. Silence the echo in the room. Defeat is. Let the ashes land on my dress. It’s raining outside. Smoke. Exhale the magnitude of your worries. Inhale my defeat. I will gladly smile, and answer your question casually.

Yes,

I

am

okay.

I am only tempted.

I will tell you everything.

My words are black, my lips are blue, and last month, the last two months, I discovered that my feet while in the water, submerged – a rush of a feeling reached my heart.

Toes ice cold.

Heart ice cold.

He said, he said it’s a blood clot. He said that redness, the color of blood, my tenderness. He said that the sensual color of red satin draping my bust and waist, he said he would. He said. I said.

You are strong.

Step back.

Passion escalates.

Pain elevates.

I want you.

I wanted you.

My weakness. 

I want you to know.

I wanted you to know.

Four, two, zero. 

Undress. Undress all the emotions clothing me. Let the gown fall to the floor. Let it drape the floor. Wrinkled. My eyes are wrinkled. My lips are half bitten.

One, three, five.

I want you. I want you to know. I am growing accustomed to living naked. Shivering, I am shivering. I was living in a month, and pain was a subscript. 

I was living, and I was alive. 

I want you to escalate. 

I want you to touch. Visit my scars. Push a finger on my wounds, and feel a tenderness. Pain is not absent. For years, I was always concentrated on knowing. I thought I knew. But this year, it painted a new color of living, and with it, I grew.

Eleven, I thought.

I thought,

I thought that glue could hold two lives together, instead glue can hold two skins in proximity. I am complete. I am complete. I am completely on a new plan, and now I really do not have a plan.

It is all uncertain.

Time to escalate.

Escalate my pain.

I can handle anything.

An ice cube grazes my wrist. Blood is comforting. I tell you, without the use of words, there is only numbness when you touched.

Nothing is hurting.

I held my body still. I tensed. Remain silent.

Distant but absurdly quiet,

Your nestled in my heart.

Two hearts in the same room. Growing silence. Gently absorb the discomfort. Four eyes close. Lips curl upward.

My lips are apart.

A word is longing for rebirth. I bite my lip to close.

Begin again.

The blood is comforting. I suck at my wound. Slow and soft. You close your eyes,

Your beautiful..

Your beautiful….

Do you know that you really are beautiful….

Moist eyes begin.

I want to feel again.

Interrupt my circulation. Pause the blood flow.

Open my heart.

I will let you crawl back in.

Momentarily, I wanted to say it. Momentarily, I needed you to say it. Slice my tongue with glass. Cut my lips with a knife. Let the juice of a lemon soak my face.

Be gentle. I beg.

Begin again.

I will stand numb.

I promise.

You itch at my heart but I do not grieve anymore. I did not realize that the fact of the matter is, I do not see the butterfly wings anymore. I just feel. I decided to enjoy the feelings and ignore what follows.

I’m becoming selfish. Ignorance is bliss.

The colors do not exist, and my methods of trying to let it go – let all things go requires reassessment. In between the lines we are always remaining beautiful.

Intricate bliss. Delicate chaos.

I do not know why I have it as it is, but my insides are not secure with glue. I can not help but smile and tell you, the world treats you so much better when you take actions with out expecting anything in return.

Be selfish. Act sinfully toxic.

I have reached delicate ecstasy in terms of thinking. You and I are ridiculous. You and I will always remain in between lines of respect and our ends can honestly be summarized in a devious smile.

Naked words exposed, you have the right to spell anything on my skin. I also have the right to erase what I do not want any other soul to see.  A life lesson is in every action we take each day. I am learning many great lessons and I am trying my best to approach it all with a clean new heart.

Approachable, my heart is beginning to discover the beautiful things again.

“Love yourself more than others.”

A meaningless hurt. I grasped a pencil and I held your wrist. I gently stroked the palm of yours with words. I am spelling it to you. I feel meaningless. And you do nothing as you feel the movement except stare back indifferent to the touch.

Can you believe it. I lost it. The lead of that pencil broke. And attached to it was the meaning, and a seed began to tense my core with frustrations and lust. I wanted to nourish my heart with a supply of oxygen rich love. I breathed in nothingness.

I keep the hurt pricking my veins to myself. But I broke the silence with ….

I told the silence that I can no longer give.

I have given much to recall if I understand the value of that joy. I am playing my feelings and it is I who I destroy. I staged this all in the dirt, and the seed keeps growing inside of me.  I sincerely hurt.

As you placed your cigarette ashes on my stem. I felt sun kissed.

Let me try this again.

I came, I left and the windows of yesterday reminded me,

You can live with out emotions, easily.

A delicate hand touched my crimson cheek. I was dressed in sinful red, and you were mesmerizing – your eyes, lips, and hair. You were in the darkness, it was a black night as I lowered my eyes. I was walking with your soul late last night. I walked slowly. You could feel it all. And I remembered the beautiful pain and all.

I was breathing hard, and you were dreaming soft.

I pictured you, picturing you picturing me. A flashback stinging, you were breathing heavy and I lay silent.

Silence loved.

A delicate black rose,

I owned the dark night,

And you were handsome in white.

A dream was living, as you died. And I smelled of smoke, I was burning cold.

Insatiable love.

I am giving.

You were guilty.

I was searching late last night.

It is only a dream,

but it feels so real,

and I remain silent.

Silence loves,

At least it told me so.

Lonely piece of furniture, I sit beside you in a sea of brown boxes, I feel so empty. Do you not feel guilty? I carefully taped the edges of those boxes, and filled up the containers with memories of passion filled love. I was beautiful and loving. I miss myself. Remember once how I felt so alive. I felt unbreakable, strong, but now I break in the silence of a moonless night. Things have changed. I changed myself.

Where are we? I tried to find myself in the contents of those boxes. I could not find me anywhere! I need you to start searching. Where am I? I thought you were going to help me find myself.

I feel so lonely.

Frail eyes and weak lips, the mountain of forever is collapsing.

And I was standing below, and now the debris is covering my soul.

Blow the dust off my chest.

A heavy weight is sitting on my chest, a taste of salt is on my lips, and I miss myself everyday more and more. I feel completely empty, and the inside of my heart is bruised. I whispered I was lonely and yet I found a sad smile forming on my lips. How can I smile in this loneliness?

Fumes of a match break my silence, and the smell of spent is on my mind. Can you believe how much can change in a year, month, week, day, hour, minute, and the scariest of them all was in mere seconds. I feel so different. I thought you were meaningful. I found meaning in you. But now I boxed you all together, a piece of life, a piece of love, a piece of hatred, a piece of lust and used black duck tape to seal the past.

I am moving now, and inside the sea, you are still capable of drowning me. I spent a year trying to find myself, and now that I have, I lost her again. Passing in the night, all I found was silence, tears, and a sharp feeling in my insides. I walked late last night, a mile and returned to my doorstep.

I came home, to a place with mounting boxes, and things packed together for a permanent move. I realize that time only heals the wounds, and then an action progresses the hurt. I am growing stronger, but remind me again why do I feel so lonely right now.

I had a passionate heart,

I think I lost it in the last move.

fe da5’eli 9amt weda yegool weda ye7ki ..
el galbi majnoon youmi yenbeth fe 7ubaak
o youmi thane yegsa yet’ndam 3ala 7ubak
3ala dagate el galb ele tnbeth o tegool
a7ebek
ya rou7i a7ebk
galbe tara sheka ..
sheka lel hawa sheka ..
sheka yabe tbared e7sasa
tarani ya 7abebi
thebti fe 7ubek
ya majnoon
ya majnoon 3yoni fe 3yoonk
abgah a7kelak 7abebi
bs tadre
tadre eshloon
tadre ma ra7 agool
byebgah bil galb mastoor
el galb yemote fek
ye3shagek o yeg’leek
ya 7ubi el mamnoo3
er7amni
er7amni tara a’3shagek wa moot
amoot feek yale sa7er 5’yali w sa7er e7sasi
btsken galbi lil abd
btsken 3yoni 7ata lo tebakeni
enta 7ubk yenaseni
ent bthel lil abd 7abebi
tadre sheli 9ar feeni
tara gelt le 7abebi a7ebek
o howa ma jaweb w ma 7eka
thalathat 7erouf tedafeni
walken
masmoo7
ana galbe majroo7
w hata fe jar7a
ynbeth o yegool
a7ebek
ya 7abebi
a7ebek
wa moot b7ubak
								

A black lighter torches my wrist. Call it happiness, on the edge of forbidden bliss. The heat inside my lungs is melting my heart. Fire time, and I’m melting down. Ash kiss the ground. Cigarette close to your lips now. Smoke it now. Now. We only live in now.

A clear ashtray holds my mystery and I feel alone. Your mischievous eyes are glistening. A tear falls down. Follow it. A salt residue for you to lick. Taste the effect. Touch my struggle and plant a tobacco kiss onto my lungs. Travel and find my heart deep, deep into my lock down.

I’m locked down.

Four walls surround me. Darkness inside of me. A lighter is all you really need. A cigarette is all I speak. The smell of togetherness is lingering. Dark black eyes. Scratch. Itch. Pitch black heart. Your lighter is out of gasoline now.

Look at the red line of silence on your neck now. I form things. Listen to the beating in my heart beat too quick. Passionate pain, I died in silence and I lived.

In a dream now. Resting my forehead on your warm chest. Put out your cigarette bud onto my skin. I ask you please. I really don’t feel a thing. I just feel black. And your silent, and I have a secret to keep now. I’m addicted you know. I wish I could recycle your lungs as you hold me. Instead, I will paint this scene.

Yesterday, I recycled your lungs.

And it was beautiful touching your heart.

A touch of yellow and a taste of red, my body is numb from the bottom of my soul to my exposed chest. Touch, taste, and smell. A sheet of silk wrapped around my head. I sound dark and lust the feeling of breathless. There’s a sun-kissed fire burning in my lungs. Smell the scent.

A touch of grey and a taste of black, my heart is charcoal and the blood oxygenating my heart is poor. Touch the beat. Taste the blood. In a white dream my skin is silk. With a moon that’s lonely and my lips soft, my color  becomes satin red. Flushed cheeks, warm hands and the fire is still burning strong. Smell the scent.

A touch of color against my chest, A taste of water wetting my dry sins. I am a paralysis of the mind, and you are the thief of a restless night.

To my heart,

I never stop loving and my eyes never stop giving.

To my black soul,

Do not be ashamed if you are left standing alone – just satisfy your threshold.

Lost in the midst of movement – dark brown eyes tire relentlessly in search of a past. To touch and taste it. Remember what it felt like. Remember you can feel.

Wake.

Awake.

Awakening a clump of love, sandwiched in the chest and yet the body is still seizing.

In that gown you were delicate. You were blue, it was delicate. Sensitive red. The most sensual black eyes so giving.

The year of last was the aftermath of a year old earthquake. Remember the feeling of loss, of white heat radiating across every inch of my body. You were difficult and I was careless.  I let you in the heart carefully. But then I sunk deep into calm moments and we were in movement, but it ended in chaos of a heart.

Shivering.

Alone.

Fingers tracing.

Lips searching for sufficient blood.

Failing.

End stage and very frail.

Change is always a good thing and it happens consistently. In the moment it may be cold, and cruel to our needs. But as a chapter new begins and distance builds a different fortress to hide in, eventually we realize the lesson nestled in that change. May it be a rose losing its beauty or a heart that stops beating.

Shaking intimate feelings and breaking the silence. 2010. Single tears use to visit these eyes but in the absence of a year and love, these eyes wanted hard to cry but the hurt has started to rest in a grave of love.

Sweet, gentle, and delicate love.

A hard black mass is resting.

A hard black mass is resting on the top of that man’s chest.

Yesterday, his story touched my life. The love of his life had died in his arms. And I watched this man tell his story. Relive a past in 29 minutes and at its end, all I could think  about was, will the throbbing in my heart and the tightness in my stomach and your beautiful scent make this life more beautiful or difficult to live in if you passed away.

In dedication to that loving memory, of

Insufficient Blood.

you touched my life and i will never forget…

what true love can feel like.

It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise. Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire. I really should not be saying this at all.

You will not even know, because you choose to stand back. You barely noticed that my world is falling apart. You are too busy populating your own life – surrounding yourself with fake care and lusting love. What a shame it is that I keep making excuses and believing their was greatness in you. I have a hope inside me, I pray that you will realize some day that you lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones. I want you to realize already.

I deserve more.

Do you know what your heart is for?

I keep thinking about you. I miss you terribly.I should not miss you. You are not even deserving. But I can not even understand why I miss you. I should save the tears, my loneliness, and indulge my mind, body and soul covering my shell with a mask of happiness. Spread the cream, smooth my roughness, I dropped a tear in the ocean.. I hope you realize that you still make me cry even as I try to stop remembering you.

Why do we love those who leave, those who only care about themselves. I want it to break into a million and one pieces. I just want it to feel the meaning of lonely, loss and sadness.

Love is an ability. I honestly say .. I can predict and tell .. that for you it is in abundance. You love some one new ..  and then into the past you immerse yourself  .. A force of magic has you in love with the feelings that I can not bother to understand and why you are still desiring and willing to go back to. You are absurd. I find it a mystery. Its a waste of my energy to try to solve you.  Do not love, or at least keep it in a box.  Express love. Bury it after, do not come tell me.

Lying is easy. But a lie can always guilt the reality of a truth into understanding the person you trusted so very much with your precious life .. your empty soul .. your intimate being .. is actually a crook .. a nighttime thief .. who enjoys breaking things and leaving without bothering to replace or fix the broken pieces.

The past can teach you to determine your ridiculous notion .. your first instincts about a person always speak the truth .. so when you thought twice .. it was a blessing but .. trespassing .. boundaries no longer known .. cultivate an idea emphasizing passion, love and belief..

I promise I wish you break hard.

Into a million and one pieces.

I love pieces.

Shattered all over the carpet floor.

Remember disclosing information to the world, and then disclosing the facts of your situation can benefit .. but trust is a big step. I do not trust you. I never should have.  Considerable people, considerations, consider the ultimate hurt that will always follow when you trust in someone .. they always let you down. I said nothing wrong.

If you disagree, call a lawyer.

And tell them to sue,

For deception,  on the basis of false pretenses , it was my form of mental abuse that I leveled into your mind ..  I had no intention for pain. If you can fight the chances of distance, if you can tell me that hearts grow fonder .. and people actually care .. you have a case.

Love is for the weak, at least tonight I say so.

I wish you happiness.

At least I want you to believe I actually do…

Black hearts are trouble.